I am a victim of sexual assault. I have read book after book
about recovery, self-respect, the psychology of the
offender, the psychological trauma of the victims and their
loved ones, self-defense, prevention, et cetera, et cetera.
The above paragraph unconventionally represents one
detail. You may have picked up on it at least subliminally; I
used the word “victim.” Twice, even.
I use “victim” because it matters. You’ve heard the same
point asserted in the opposite direction many times, no
doubt. Most activists, advocates, and academics on the
subject will vehemently argue in favor of the word
“survivor” instead of victim, because they insist that
“victim” implies weakness and inferiority, whereas
“survivor” is meant to be empowering.
Survival is not empowering, it’s minimizing. It’s the least
possible participation in life a person can admit to, that
they are “getting by,” or “surviving.” It minimizes the
effects of sexual assault to an outrageous degree, because
it turns it into something that is “survivable” by definition.
After the assault, deeply traumatized victims are told by
desensitized bystanders, “At least you survived. It’s time
to put this behind you and start getting on with the rest of
your life. Don’t let this take you over. Don’t be a victim.”
Don’t be a victim? …I already am.
That choice was made for me by the person or persons
who committed violent actions against me. Robbers have
victims; murderers certainly have victims; rapists and child
molesters apparently only have “survivors.”
I married a man I later came to understand was a serial
rapist. I didn’t know that when he raped me the first time,
and I only began to believe it when rape became a common
occurrence in my marriage bed. He later actually did talk
openly to me about it, though he denied my labeling him a
rapist straight to the end. But this is what he said:
about recovery, self-respect, the psychology of the
offender, the psychological trauma of the victims and their
loved ones, self-defense, prevention, et cetera, et cetera.
The above paragraph unconventionally represents one
detail. You may have picked up on it at least subliminally; I
used the word “victim.” Twice, even.
I use “victim” because it matters. You’ve heard the same
point asserted in the opposite direction many times, no
doubt. Most activists, advocates, and academics on the
subject will vehemently argue in favor of the word
“survivor” instead of victim, because they insist that
“victim” implies weakness and inferiority, whereas
“survivor” is meant to be empowering.
Survival is not empowering, it’s minimizing. It’s the least
possible participation in life a person can admit to, that
they are “getting by,” or “surviving.” It minimizes the
effects of sexual assault to an outrageous degree, because
it turns it into something that is “survivable” by definition.
After the assault, deeply traumatized victims are told by
desensitized bystanders, “At least you survived. It’s time
to put this behind you and start getting on with the rest of
your life. Don’t let this take you over. Don’t be a victim.”
Don’t be a victim? …I already am.
That choice was made for me by the person or persons
who committed violent actions against me. Robbers have
victims; murderers certainly have victims; rapists and child
molesters apparently only have “survivors.”
I married a man I later came to understand was a serial
rapist. I didn’t know that when he raped me the first time,
and I only began to believe it when rape became a common
occurrence in my marriage bed. He later actually did talk
openly to me about it, though he denied my labeling him a
rapist straight to the end. But this is what he said:
“I was poor, I was homeless. I need insulin to survive!!, and I couldn’t afford it,
so I had to steal to survive. Literally. And I’d be like standing in line at the used
bookstore, selling back my books for a measly couple of bucks, and listening to
these dumb rich bitches, these stupid young girls who never had to worry
about anything, talking about their ski weekends and their frat parties and their
rich parents. And I had to go through so much, while everything was so easy
for them.
“So I charmed them and asked them out, and I’d get them to spend that entire
day with me when I met them, right away. And by the end of the night, I’d be
fucking them, and I’d take them in the ass, and by then they thought of me as
such a good guy they didn't want to hurt my feelings by complaining, or if they
did say anything, I said I never wanted to hurt them and wouldn’t if I had
known, and they’d wind up comforting me because they'd made me so sad
over the idea of hurting them. Sometimes they even asked for me to do it
again right after I stopped ‘crying.’
“See, they didn’t know pain. I knew pain. And it made me stronger. So that's
what I did to them. I made them stronger.”
so I had to steal to survive. Literally. And I’d be like standing in line at the used
bookstore, selling back my books for a measly couple of bucks, and listening to
these dumb rich bitches, these stupid young girls who never had to worry
about anything, talking about their ski weekends and their frat parties and their
rich parents. And I had to go through so much, while everything was so easy
for them.
“So I charmed them and asked them out, and I’d get them to spend that entire
day with me when I met them, right away. And by the end of the night, I’d be
fucking them, and I’d take them in the ass, and by then they thought of me as
such a good guy they didn't want to hurt my feelings by complaining, or if they
did say anything, I said I never wanted to hurt them and wouldn’t if I had
known, and they’d wind up comforting me because they'd made me so sad
over the idea of hurting them. Sometimes they even asked for me to do it
again right after I stopped ‘crying.’
“See, they didn’t know pain. I knew pain. And it made me stronger. So that's
what I did to them. I made them stronger.”
| The “survivor” culture offers offenders a neat, prepackaged justification for their actions. Inconceivably, self- proclaimed “survivors” play right into this by declaring their “pride.” |
"Pride” over not anything you did
but something horrific which was
done to you!
but something horrific which was
done to you!
“Pride” over no accomplishment
greater than the involuntary act of
breathing.
greater than the involuntary act of
breathing.
Honoring and celebrating
the pain inflicted on you.
the pain inflicted on you.
Offering a calmative to help deny the impact
of rape and abuse, to impose on this pain the
veneer of impermanence, further invalidating
victims and
denying them the space and time they need to
recover.
of rape and abuse, to impose on this pain the
veneer of impermanence, further invalidating
victims and
denying them the space and time they need to
recover.
I am not a survivor of the violence and cruelty I suffered. I am
traumatized. I am in pain and turmoil and confusion. I am
scared and lonely and hurt and angry. And I could kill myself
years down the line, and I would still be thought of as a
“survivor” of sexual assault who eventually succumbed to
my own internal weaknesses…but the truth would be that I
had never survived the assault. It just took a while to die.
Denial of victimhood results in victim-blaming. The perceived
requirement to be a “survivor” makes you responsible for
your own psychological damage; after all, you are meant to
recover and move on with life. The offender gets extensive
treatment, attempts to rehabilitate him, help him live a better
life…but you? You sink or swim. Men are seen as more
valuable potential members of society, so saving them is
worthwhile. Women are less important to begin with, so less
effort is invested in keeping them whole and well, even if they
are innocent victims…ah, but they are never innocent, thank
you Original Sin…and now with the stunning feats of self-
help psychology and tricky linguistics, they cease to be
victims as well! Eureka! Now it’s not only their fault it
happened; it’s also their fault that they have inner turmoil
afterward. And the shame they’ll feel over their being
pathetic and weak in their pain is the bonus–that makes them
want to keep it to themselves and not burden us with it! It’s
the best concept since “Father knows best.”
Being a victim doesn’t make me weak, lesser, diminished. It’
s a statement of fact. I was no more complicit in the acts of
assault committed against me than the passengers of a
hijacked plane are accessories to terrorism. The damage
may not have been directly or immediately fatal, but survival
was at no point guaranteed. Survival is never a given.
Survival is the effort I put forth every day now.
And I’ll be damned if I’ll feel inadequate over being affected
by the inhuman disregard and sadistic cruelty I was forced to
endure. That would be like never getting up, like just lying
there after the rape, allowing it to happen over and over
again. You’ve all seen that in some woman or another, I’m
sure, that soulsick acceptance of degradation as their lot in
life. To me, it sounds like a fate worse than death, but then, I’
m not a survivor.
traumatized. I am in pain and turmoil and confusion. I am
scared and lonely and hurt and angry. And I could kill myself
years down the line, and I would still be thought of as a
“survivor” of sexual assault who eventually succumbed to
my own internal weaknesses…but the truth would be that I
had never survived the assault. It just took a while to die.
Denial of victimhood results in victim-blaming. The perceived
requirement to be a “survivor” makes you responsible for
your own psychological damage; after all, you are meant to
recover and move on with life. The offender gets extensive
treatment, attempts to rehabilitate him, help him live a better
life…but you? You sink or swim. Men are seen as more
valuable potential members of society, so saving them is
worthwhile. Women are less important to begin with, so less
effort is invested in keeping them whole and well, even if they
are innocent victims…ah, but they are never innocent, thank
you Original Sin…and now with the stunning feats of self-
help psychology and tricky linguistics, they cease to be
victims as well! Eureka! Now it’s not only their fault it
happened; it’s also their fault that they have inner turmoil
afterward. And the shame they’ll feel over their being
pathetic and weak in their pain is the bonus–that makes them
want to keep it to themselves and not burden us with it! It’s
the best concept since “Father knows best.”
Being a victim doesn’t make me weak, lesser, diminished. It’
s a statement of fact. I was no more complicit in the acts of
assault committed against me than the passengers of a
hijacked plane are accessories to terrorism. The damage
may not have been directly or immediately fatal, but survival
was at no point guaranteed. Survival is never a given.
Survival is the effort I put forth every day now.
And I’ll be damned if I’ll feel inadequate over being affected
by the inhuman disregard and sadistic cruelty I was forced to
endure. That would be like never getting up, like just lying
there after the rape, allowing it to happen over and over
again. You’ve all seen that in some woman or another, I’m
sure, that soulsick acceptance of degradation as their lot in
life. To me, it sounds like a fate worse than death, but then, I’
m not a survivor.
