| Subtle Brutalities: Thoughts on Kobe Bryant’s Unfortunate Circumstances of Late |
First the disclaimer I wish more people would even think of let alone
admit was true...I am 100% aware of the fact that I do not know
anything real about this issue. I know what "we" know, and that's a
joke half the time and an insult the other half.
That said, my impartial observer from afar standpoint....
Women are taught to be suicidal morons, noble in their resignation
to their role as Inevitable Victim, never properly advised to stand up
for themselves even verbally. When a woman is significantly and
obviously the tiny weak one next to a guy whose entire life is based
around his physical prowess!, is it not likely that she would have
remained silent, passive, not pretending to be having fun but just
lying there and accepting something she didn't believe she could
stop if she tried? My honest impression of Kobe Bryant has always
been on the positive side, based on games and interviews I've
seen. When the rape case first hit the news, I doubted it was even
close to an accurate, objective portrayal of events. We hear cries of
Celebrity Advantage and all that, but the fact is that young woman
could have had the same experience to the letter with a "normal
person," and not only would we never have heard about it, the
police in her town wouldn't have probably taken her seriously
enough or put much effort into the case, and that's IF she had the
heart to report it, which I truly doubt. This was nothing like a regular
rape case.
My gut on this is that if she'd made an overt statement of refusal or
a definite physical attempt at escape, he's not a rapist by intent.
He's like MOST men, who have grown up with dangerous false
notions about gender roles and sexuality. Most men (and most
women know this from experience) will push and cajole and try to
seduce and even beg...and if the woman eventually gives in, even if
she just lies there, the men had sex, so they don’t have a clue that
anything was wrong with that picture. They would NEVER think of
themselves as rapists in that situation. They may wonder what her
bad mood is about, and some with death wishes may make
insensitive inquiries about PMS or something.
But they didn't grab a stranger in an alleyway; they didn't hold a gun
to anyone's head; they didn't have to pin her down to get her to hold
still. I'd imagine a young, emotionally troubled woman intimidated
by the status as well as the pulchritude of the man making
advances on her, also feeling like she SHOULD be happy about it
because look who he is, and this is a once-in-a-lifetime memory, so
she shouldn't back away just cause she isn't into it right away, hell,
give it time, relax, she'll be glad she stayed. Then as things heat
up, it's harder and harder to feel comfortable and secure about
suddenly calling it off...and saying, "Gee, I have to get up in the
morning, I should go," just makes him offer arguments for why she
shouldn't. She feels after a while like nothing she says can get
through to him because he wants what he wants, so she stops
saying anything. We’ve all had that kind of exchange, growing
frustrated and helpless in the face of continual contradiction from
someone, to the point that we sometimes just fold out of exhaustion,
and we feel mute or invisible, knowing we’ll never win the
acceptance we need.
If men could reach the understanding as a genderal rule (pardon,
puns are a weakness) that they are not entitled to instant and
complete gratification of their every impulse, there would suddenly
be a lot less “miscommunication” going on. If men could accept
that they are not allowed to disregard or steamroll the word No from
anyone on any subject, the whole world may indeed be cured
before it’s otherwise to be obliterated. If men were more often
sufficiently empathic to see the looks of anger and fear and disgust
and pain in women's eyes during sex they were just "going along
with," maybe this would all go away.
But do me a favor and think of this when you hear a man talking
about a "lousy lay," a woman who "just lay there." Sometimes,
that's rape. He may not ever know it, but she'll never forget it.
