Recommended reading: Self-Respect and Sexual Assault, Why Does He DO That, and
The Gift of Fear, in no particular order.
Those three books provided the background I needed in order to realize the following:
You don't owe anyone anything until you decide you do.
Kind of vague and open-ended statement, but I'll explain. You are a woman walking
alone. A man you do not know speaks to you. THERE IS NO REASON YOU
SHOULD RESPOND OR ACKNOWLEDGE HIM. Think about it. What social
convention dictates your automatic obligation to a complete stranger who intrudes on
you in any way? If it's daytime, and there are other people in sight, and he has asked if
you know the time of day, that's innocuous enough for my standards. But (and this you
may not be able to accept until you've read The Gift of Fear) if you feel the sense of
alarm inside your gut, don't ignore it. Use common sense as well, but even if common
sense finds the situation acceptable, always listen to your inner fear response. Don't go
the opposite direction, though, overruling your gut with the decision your mind makes;
that's what gets women raped.
Don't be overpowered.
Sounds deceptively simple...but really, it is just that simple. One on one, even if one
is a man and the other a woman, is really not that bad a scenario (unless weapons get
brought out, but that's not something you can plan around until you know). One on one is
a pretty escapable encounter, if you fight back at all. Most convicted rapists have
confirmed in interviews that women almost never fight back, that usually verbal threats
are sufficient to make women be passive. This is because the traditional wisdom on the
subject is "Don't fight back." This is the worst advice you can give a woman!!! Fact is,
men are so utterly shocked when a woman puts up a fight they often give up instantly.
And they almost never fight back with the same energy they use against other men,
because even men who are unashamed of sexual liberties they will try to take, even men
who are guilty of pushing a woman as far as they can and taking all they can get away
with...even men who are physically aggressive against their partners...they still have a
strange inability to override the hard-wired rule against hitting girls.
So fight back at all. Really. It stops an amazing number of attackers dead in their
tracks. And you can fight almost any individual assailant at least enough to make them
give up and go look for a weaker target, one who will play right into a rapist's hands by
being compliant, like she was taught.
Don’t walk into traps.
Don't enter any private setting with more than one person unless you are willing to
trust them with your life. Even if you know one but not all, unless you'd trust that one with
your very life, just don't do it.
I get all kinds of people who have hung out with me once or twice in the past come
knocking on my door when they're nearby and have time to kill. If they're alone, okay. If
they have anyone I don't know with them, I stand in my doorway and refuse them entry,
and I politely say, "I'm sorry, but I haven't known you long or well enough to bring you in
with other people who are completely new to me. I don't have any reason to distrust you
personally, but I made this rule because I've had very bad things happen before, and it's
not worth ever taking the risk again. I simply will not put myself in the position of being
overpowered in my own home."
Anyone who argues with that, I would see it as a red flag.
Being thought of as “nice” as opposed to “rude and bitchy” is
not worth getting raped.
Now, this seems like a no-brainer when you bother to say it. However, not enough
people bother to say it. When someone is attempting to steer you into a private place,
or get you to agree to staying when you say you want to leave, or talking any variety of
manipulative whiny garbage we’ve all heard from so many men—just be a bitch! Don’t
give in, don’t relent, and don’t allow yourself to be steered. Even if their intent is benign,
and all that would happen if you went with them would be boredom, so what? Anyone
who tries to overrule your will is not to be trusted. And why even suffer boredom when
you could just have stood your ground in the first place? It’s satisfying in its own right, I
promise. Just the feeling (new to women, sadly) of being inflexible in the face of
attempts to guilt-trip or confuse you.
Someone else’s physical desire is not your problem.
Can anyone say “blueballs?” Now try saying, “I don’t care!”
Red Flags—and Ways to Respond:
Aw, come on, lady, I was just trying to talk to you!
--What the fuck does that have to do with me? I didn’t initiate contact with you. You
initiated contact. You tried to get me to want to talk; you failed.
Hey now, you’re not being very friendly/nice.
--Then why are you still bothering me? If I’m such a bitch, how have I failed to make you
go away?
What, you don’t want to make new friends?
--Why are you so interested in making MY acquaintance, if all you want is “a new
friend?” Why talk to me, rather than anyone else here? Why are you trying to confuse
the situation and play on my emotions rather than just accept that I am not interested!
Can’t a person just do a favor without you getting all suspicious?
--If you had pure intentions when you made the offer, you wouldn’t fight my refusal of it.
In other words, men push and push and push some more when they are of the belief
that women exist for their entertainment and convenience. Men who are worthy of their
oxygen on the other hand, can accept “no” for an answer on all kinds of questions with
grace and dignity. A man who begs isn’t merely pathetic and a turn-off, he is also
dangerous. Because he doesn’t realize that something he had to beg and whine in order
to get is not worth having.
Trust your fear reflex. Don’t give in when someone pushes. If you say no to tasting
their entree at dinner, and they take offense at that, how can they be trusted to accept
"no" later when it's something they WANT. The choice on their part to ignore or
steamroll your “no” about ANY request/offer is the biggest red flag of all. It's a test
they're putting you through, and those who accept the label of "bitch" will be 99% less
likely to be raped. Women have been trained to make men happy; my advice is simple:
STOP.
The Gift of Fear, in no particular order.
Those three books provided the background I needed in order to realize the following:
You don't owe anyone anything until you decide you do.
Kind of vague and open-ended statement, but I'll explain. You are a woman walking
alone. A man you do not know speaks to you. THERE IS NO REASON YOU
SHOULD RESPOND OR ACKNOWLEDGE HIM. Think about it. What social
convention dictates your automatic obligation to a complete stranger who intrudes on
you in any way? If it's daytime, and there are other people in sight, and he has asked if
you know the time of day, that's innocuous enough for my standards. But (and this you
may not be able to accept until you've read The Gift of Fear) if you feel the sense of
alarm inside your gut, don't ignore it. Use common sense as well, but even if common
sense finds the situation acceptable, always listen to your inner fear response. Don't go
the opposite direction, though, overruling your gut with the decision your mind makes;
that's what gets women raped.
Don't be overpowered.
Sounds deceptively simple...but really, it is just that simple. One on one, even if one
is a man and the other a woman, is really not that bad a scenario (unless weapons get
brought out, but that's not something you can plan around until you know). One on one is
a pretty escapable encounter, if you fight back at all. Most convicted rapists have
confirmed in interviews that women almost never fight back, that usually verbal threats
are sufficient to make women be passive. This is because the traditional wisdom on the
subject is "Don't fight back." This is the worst advice you can give a woman!!! Fact is,
men are so utterly shocked when a woman puts up a fight they often give up instantly.
And they almost never fight back with the same energy they use against other men,
because even men who are unashamed of sexual liberties they will try to take, even men
who are guilty of pushing a woman as far as they can and taking all they can get away
with...even men who are physically aggressive against their partners...they still have a
strange inability to override the hard-wired rule against hitting girls.
So fight back at all. Really. It stops an amazing number of attackers dead in their
tracks. And you can fight almost any individual assailant at least enough to make them
give up and go look for a weaker target, one who will play right into a rapist's hands by
being compliant, like she was taught.
Don’t walk into traps.
Don't enter any private setting with more than one person unless you are willing to
trust them with your life. Even if you know one but not all, unless you'd trust that one with
your very life, just don't do it.
I get all kinds of people who have hung out with me once or twice in the past come
knocking on my door when they're nearby and have time to kill. If they're alone, okay. If
they have anyone I don't know with them, I stand in my doorway and refuse them entry,
and I politely say, "I'm sorry, but I haven't known you long or well enough to bring you in
with other people who are completely new to me. I don't have any reason to distrust you
personally, but I made this rule because I've had very bad things happen before, and it's
not worth ever taking the risk again. I simply will not put myself in the position of being
overpowered in my own home."
Anyone who argues with that, I would see it as a red flag.
Being thought of as “nice” as opposed to “rude and bitchy” is
not worth getting raped.
Now, this seems like a no-brainer when you bother to say it. However, not enough
people bother to say it. When someone is attempting to steer you into a private place,
or get you to agree to staying when you say you want to leave, or talking any variety of
manipulative whiny garbage we’ve all heard from so many men—just be a bitch! Don’t
give in, don’t relent, and don’t allow yourself to be steered. Even if their intent is benign,
and all that would happen if you went with them would be boredom, so what? Anyone
who tries to overrule your will is not to be trusted. And why even suffer boredom when
you could just have stood your ground in the first place? It’s satisfying in its own right, I
promise. Just the feeling (new to women, sadly) of being inflexible in the face of
attempts to guilt-trip or confuse you.
Someone else’s physical desire is not your problem.
Can anyone say “blueballs?” Now try saying, “I don’t care!”
Red Flags—and Ways to Respond:
Aw, come on, lady, I was just trying to talk to you!
--What the fuck does that have to do with me? I didn’t initiate contact with you. You
initiated contact. You tried to get me to want to talk; you failed.
Hey now, you’re not being very friendly/nice.
--Then why are you still bothering me? If I’m such a bitch, how have I failed to make you
go away?
What, you don’t want to make new friends?
--Why are you so interested in making MY acquaintance, if all you want is “a new
friend?” Why talk to me, rather than anyone else here? Why are you trying to confuse
the situation and play on my emotions rather than just accept that I am not interested!
Can’t a person just do a favor without you getting all suspicious?
--If you had pure intentions when you made the offer, you wouldn’t fight my refusal of it.
In other words, men push and push and push some more when they are of the belief
that women exist for their entertainment and convenience. Men who are worthy of their
oxygen on the other hand, can accept “no” for an answer on all kinds of questions with
grace and dignity. A man who begs isn’t merely pathetic and a turn-off, he is also
dangerous. Because he doesn’t realize that something he had to beg and whine in order
to get is not worth having.
Trust your fear reflex. Don’t give in when someone pushes. If you say no to tasting
their entree at dinner, and they take offense at that, how can they be trusted to accept
"no" later when it's something they WANT. The choice on their part to ignore or
steamroll your “no” about ANY request/offer is the biggest red flag of all. It's a test
they're putting you through, and those who accept the label of "bitch" will be 99% less
likely to be raped. Women have been trained to make men happy; my advice is simple:
STOP.